What did I tell you? Making plans is not a good idea for me. There is always something.
Sept 20, 2015–My mom, always inspired, suggested a priesthood blessing. Jeff, my dad, and Ben participated and it was powerful. Jeff said he had a hard time because there are things we really want, but he focused on clearing his mind so that the Lord could speak, and speak He did. I’m not ready to share those words just yet, but it was pretty powerful and encouraging. It gave me hope that everything will work out. Peace. Ahhhh.
Sept 22, 2015–We went in for the appointment with the IVF doctor (Dr. M) and it went really well. So well in fact that he started me on birth control two days later and I got on the calendar for the next IVF cycle. We would take birth control for 3-5 weeks, start the shots, and harvest the goods in November. Jeff was ecstatic. I was…going along with it. I was trying really hard to have faith in Jeff that this was a good path. I have a tendency to let fear and change crowd out my faith, so I committed. I wasn’t going to not make progress because I was afraid of the process. Plus, Jeff was so confident and excited about it! He really, really wants his baby girls (or boys, but he’s kinda loving the idea of girls right now). I had ups and downs, because of course I want kids, of course IVF would get us there faster, and of course it’s a really good next step (says the doctor). So despite my discomfort, I started the birth control.
Sept 23, 2015– We found out Dr. M isn’t on our insurance. Boo. We didn’t even think to check because he works in the same clinic a Dr. S, so we assumed. And we all know what happens when you ass-u-me things. Jeff said we’d figure it out and Dr. M said he’d help us switch providers if necessary. I prayed a lot this day. I told Heavenly Father I was committed. I told Him that I wasn’t sure if fear was making me uncomfortable or if it was our decision to move forward with IVF. I asked if He would please stop us before we got too far if there was another way, or ease my anxiety if it was OK. I know God answers prayers.
Sept 24, 2015– I woke up feeling 100% sure that IVF was OK. I was feeling really energized about it (Not excited, but motivated). We were going to give it a go and see if we could be pregnant by Christmas. Jeff was happy about that attitude! Then, we got lab results back. Everything was normal, except for TSH. Thyroid Stimulating Hormone. TSH tells your thyroid to produce or not produce other hormones that regulate metabolism and other functions. My TSH level was >.01. A year ago it was around .5 so it’s dropped a lot. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. My sister has/had hyperthyroidism and she’s not the only one in our family with thyroid problems. If mine is hyper (which I suspect, based on the TSH) and we take the same treatment route she took (radioactive iodine), it means we can’t get pregnant for a while. Grrr.
Sept 25, 2015–We had an ultrasound on with Dr. S (the one we’ve been seeing for over a year) to check on the cyst. He said the left side looked awesome, but couldn’t find the right ovary. There was no sign of a cyst, so he said he’s confident it’s gone. He gave me a new approach to consider (no more letrozole/femara, just an HCG injection around ovulation to ensure the egg releases). He still doesn’t like the idea of IVF, especially with the new thyroid issue, and suggested we hold off. I really wanted to take his approach, it does sound easier. But I was committed to IVF, so I thanked him and told him I’d keep in touch. I really like Dr. S and the natural procreative technology branch of reproductive medicine. It’s helped in many ways, but it’s a slower process.
I got home after the ultrasound with Dr. S and kinda fell apart. Crying, anxiety, the shakes, chills, fatigue. I was miserable. What do I do? Can we still do IVF? Do I really want to? Which doctor do I call for the thyroid? I didn’t even know where to start and I was one frustrated girl. I spent the entire day on the phone with clinics and our insurance trying to find an endocrinologist. The ones Dr. S recommended don’t take our insurance. The others don’t have appointments for new patients until December. I gave up and let Jeff snuggle the anxiety away. He’s really good at that.
Sept 26, 2015–I saw a Facebook post with this talk But If Not… and man was that something I needed to read. Here’s just a sliver, but seriously, read the whole talk!
“When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?” 2
The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.” 3 That is a statement of true faith.
They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. 4 They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.
Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego knew they could always rely on Him because they knew His plan, and they knew that He does not change. 5
I feel like that kind of faith, the “God will deliver…but if not…” is something I had lost sight of that week. But not anymore. After that talk, the wonder that is General Conference (check it out here), and the words of the priesthood blessing that keep running through my mind, I am confident in my new plan:
Sept 27, 2015– Dr. M confirmed what Dr. S said. IVF is put on hold until we work out the thyroid issue. I have an appointment in mid-Nov with a specialist.
We wanted to be pregnant by Christmas and I had faith that we would be, but if not….