Create Your Happily Ever After

September 18, 2015

I Shouldn’t Make Plans…

So remember that big cyst they found in August? We did the MRI, it wasn’t a big deal, but we had to make sure it was gone before moving forward? Remember that one? Yeah, me too.

Well, last Wednesday we did an ultrasound to make sure it had resolved. And, YAY! It was gone! That’s the good news. The bad news is that Dr. S found another one the right. It wasn’t quite as big and it looked different, but it was still too big and not supposed to be there. Dr. S ordered some blood work, said he needed to consult with his colleagues on it, and he’d be in touch. Since we didn’t take the Letrozole, he wasn’t sure why it was there. I was discouraged. Mad. Sad. Totally Bummed Out. Whatever.

I talked to my mom who was being positive for me, because I didn’t want to. :) She always says the right things. Love her! She also did some research and said cysts are totally normal when taking ovulation drugs (I’d been on Letrozole/Femara for the last 12 or 13 cycles), even a couple months after you stop. It doesn’t affect pregnancy. So this was no big deal! We went with it because it felt good and made me feel hopeful. And I made a plan…

I’m basically an expert on my cycle and timing “things” just right, so I knew we had a chance, even with the newly discovered cyst. Jeff really wants to do IVF (more on that in the next post) and I’m scared of it. So, in my head I decided we were pregnant and I would be able to get out of IVF. :-) Sounds good, right? We’ve been at this for a long time. Heavenly Father knows I really don’t want to do it anymore, so He’ll throw me a line. Trouble is, I’ve made this plan before, “we’ll be pregnant this month so I don’t have to do surgery.” “This month so I don’t have to do another ultrasound series.” “This month because I finally quit my job so I could be home.” “This month because…” See, lots of plans and all of them obviously failures. Same story every time.

My hormone levels indicated a “hormonally active” cyst. The doctor also called it a “complex corpus luteal cyst.” I thought I knew what that meant and kept on with the plan, but I guess I was wrong. He messaged me a couple days ago and said “A corpus luteum is what forms after the egg releases from the follicle. (I knew that) Usually it is pretty simple cyst with a little bit of blood or debris in it, but it can in some cases look more complicated, like we have seen twice now with you. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between it and an endometrioma (hence the MRI). The fact that the one on the left shrunk by the time the MRI was done and then went completely away confirms that it was a corpus luteum cyst. The fact that it showed up new on the right (somewhat different appearance) but had a progesterone level of 10 means that’s what it probably was again. When the corpus luteum is a bit larger and more complex appearing, it suggests that maybe the egg wasn’t actually released. Sort of a “pseudoovulation” if you will.”

Um…what!? So I may not have even ovulated this month. Plan ruined. I may not have ovulated last month. Or the few other times we’ve seen cysts (normal sizes) that didn’t collapse right away. He said it changes our course of treatment if we continue with him. We have another ultrasound next Friday to check on the cyst and discuss. Boo.

Moral of the story: Don’t make plans. Ever.

Just kidding. We need to have goals and a reason to move forward. Make plans, please! However, we need to understand that we cannot force our plans on God, when He may have something different, something better in mind. Sometimes, we have to broaden our view and expand our plan to include a variety of possibilities that all lead us to the same end, trusting that God will help us no matter which path we choose. So we have a new, simple, plan.

Have a baby.

Posted in: Infertility Sucks